Sign: "Need a ride to a new start"

   I have a lot of respect for my great grandma. Considering that she is almost 105, she is tough as nails. For years her only child has been pestering her, putting her down, and trying to do everything to move her out of her home, but yet my great grandma stood tall and told her to bugger off. "She always been a pain, so why should I show her any respect?" As my grandmother said this to me, I could do nothing but give her a look of disgust. My grandmother looks at her mom and rolls her eyes as she repeats herself, asking my brother and I the same questions she did only minutes ago. "How are you not bothered by it?" My grandmother asks, "Why do you put up with her asking you the same thing over and over again." Giving her my most respectful 'I hate your guts, but I'm gonna pretend to be the ideal grand-daughter' look, I just say, "Because grandmother, unlike you, she shows interest in our lives." The only response I got? My little brother yelling, "BURN".

Serves her right.

*sighs* Rant over. Three days into the holidays and I already miss school. It finally hit me this afternoon that this may be my last Christmas here in a long time.. With my family already talking about moving back to Brg.C, it's been a little rattling. Having lived here a little more than three years... I can honestly say it's the only place that has ever felt like home to me. I love V.Island. I love the ocean, the nature, the people, the community. For me, V.Island has been a gateway into a different world for me. So many opportunities have come up, giving me the chance to spread my wings and really be something. I can confidentially say that if we hadn't moved here, I wouldn't be the person I am. I have had the opportunity to meet some of the most amazing people here, whether it was through school, the shelter, Red cross or just around. Individuality is not rare here, it is a requirement... And as much as it makes me sad to know that soon I'll be leaving, I can't wait for the new opportunites that lay just beyond the horizon. Soon, I'll be on my own, making my own decisions, my own mistakes and my own memories. I will take everything I have ever learnt, experienced and cherished from V.Island with me to my new home... For even though living here has been just a short part of my life's path, it has helped shape me into who I am today.


QOTB:The past is a guidepost, not a hitching post.

"You are beautiful."

     As I was on my way home yesterday, standing on the hot, overcrowded bus, my mood was dampened by the outcome of the day. Everything I hoped would go well didn't. As I stood there, mumbling under my breath as the bus lurched, causing me to grab onto the nearest pole to keep myself from falling, I felt a rough texture under my hand, and as I looked to where I held on, I saw a written note, taped to the pole. "You are beautiful", was all it said. At that moment, I forgot about all the crap that happened so far that day and just smiled, for without even knowing it, some stranger made my day.

   Ask yourself, when was the last time you did a random act of kindness for someone? Whether it was paying for the guy behind you in line's coffee, randomly sticking a note in a library book for the next reader or just looking the cashier in the eye, smiling and said, "I hope you have a great day." Not a lot of us do anything like this, for we don't think it will make an impact on the other person... But in reality, we'd be surprised. Doing a selfless act of kindness for another human being is one of the most amazing things you, as an individual, can do... So next time you are sitting on a cramped bus, turn to your neighbour and ask them how their day is going. When someones hands are full, open the door for them, and when someone is having a rough day, be a shoulder for them to cry on. Never underestimate the power of an act of kindness for who knows, next time it could be your day that was made.

QOTB: Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.

Climb over the hedge, find another way.

   Life is like an enormous maze. There are millions of different ways to go, but you can only take one at a time. Sometimes you will do it alone, other times you will have others around you, perhaps there to support you or maybe not. One can never be too sure as to what lies around the corner’s bend, maybe a happy and successful life, or a trip to the loony farm or you may even end up figuring out that you went around in a circle. Still, there will be those few unlucky people that run into a dead end. Some, when put in that situation tend to give up immediately, while the bright ones take it as a different kind of opportunity, by choosing to see the positive in the situation and figure out how to work with what they are given.

   No matter what is thrown at us, we all know that our main goal it to make it to the other side… Alive. No two people can possibly have the same experience, for each one is unique, just as unique as every single one of the 6 billion people that share our world.

Only me. Only you.

 Taking a hold of my hand, it keeps me moving. Whispering words of encouragement in my ear, it keeps me motivated. Praising me when I do well, it keeps me smiling. When I'm not sure which path to take, it gives me a nudge in the right direction. When I cry, it hugs me and tells me that it will get better soon. No matter what happens, it will always be there for me. What is it? It is myself.

 Only I have the the ability to keep myself from quitting. Only I have the ability to keep myself motivated, to choose the way for me and to keep myself thinking positive. Sure, people can help, but in the end it's all up to me.

 The same goes for you. For all of you. Never underestimate the power that you have. It isn't their life, it isn't their choice or their mood, it's yours and only yours. Never underestimate what you are capable of.

QOTB: If it's going to be, it's up to me.

Ya lil prick.

Mistakes, flaws and all, I am who I am. The same goes for you. I respect you though, so where is the respect back? I never said I was perfect, I never said I was right and I never said that you were wrong. I admit sometimes I screw up, sometimes I say the wrong thing and sometimes I act stupidly. We all do. If you were proud of every single thing you have ever done, you're not human. We are all different. I have my way of handling things, you have yours. Same goes for everyone else. So, what's the difference? I may not like you, I may not agree with your choices or your actions BUT I still respect you. I will always respect you, for even though I may not like you, I may not agree with you, I will always show you respect. So, let me ask you. Why can't you show me respect. Why do you have to have it written all over you the hate that you have for me? Do you really dislike who I am that much? If that is the case, then I am sorry for you. I am sorry that you feel you have to act and feel like that. Word to the wise? Get over yourself.

Permanent Mask.

  With all the Halloween stuff going on, all the kids running around with their avatar, gladiator, and even the saw puppet masks on, it's gotten me thinking. Do our masks ever really come off? You know the masks that I mean... The ones that we put on when we are too scared to show people who we are, when we want to fit in or we are just ashamed... Ashamed of who we are. This is a question I ask myself over and over again, never being able to fine a steady answer. I think about the people I know; my friends, myself, and I wonder, who is wearing a mask, and who is not? I'm not saying that everyone out there has become accustom to wearing a mask, definitely not, for some of the most amazing people I know are those people who refuse to ever cover up their true selves, but rather let people see them for who they really are.

 I think about people I used to know, people who used to be nothing but themselves. But you and I both know how it works, you meet a new group of people, and in order for them to like you, you change who you are, covering up your true identity. Soon enough, you begin to forget the person who you used to be, focusing only on the person others want you to be.

Think about yourself. Do you ever wear a mask? Do you ever pretend to be something or someone different from who you really are so that you don't get hurt, ridiculed or left alone?Do you ever feel scared of letting people know who you are? Stop hiding who you really are. If you're scared about certain people judging you for your true self, then they are not worth being in your life. Take it off before it's too late... Before you forget who you really are.

Happy Halloween!

Lying amongst the daisies.

I have no idea where this is going to go, so bear with me folks. For those who know me personally, when I get stressed, I tend to get very, VERY random. It’s a disease I swear. But, the cure seems to be rambling to my heart’s content, so like I said, please bear with me.


I had an intervention this week. No, it wasn't like the TV show, where the family gets all emotional and it all ends with the family hugging them, for they are so proud that they are now a changed person. No, it was nothing like that, more of me backing myself into a corner and shouting, “HEY YOU! Sort yourself out!” It was desperately needed I’ll admit but that didn’t make it any easier. Things had been different lately. For the first time in a long time, I felt lost. It’s been tough being back at my old high school ever since this, “Well we don’t want you at UWC!” freak show… Honestly, I think my teachers are disappointed. I used to have such good relationships with my teachers, but now they are always telling me how sorry they are that I didn’t get in and it just makes me uncomfortable. It had gotten to the point that I was so uncomfortable with all the comments people made. It was driving me into a hole and I couldn’t stand it. Luckily, I found refuge in a place I would never have considered looking for it. I didn’t know what to expect when my teacher held me back after class… I was most certainly not expecting to learn a life lesson. As he called me out on my odd behavior for the past couple weeks, I told him everything. The pressures I felt to do well, the embarrassment of being back after having failed, the crisis in my home life. Funny how my teacher was the only person I could really talk to about this stuff. It felt good though, being able to finally let it all go. The great thing about my teacher is that he can say so little but it can mean the world. It really opened my eyes to what I’ve been doing wrong, and how blind I’ve been.

Here is a picture of one of the walls in my room. It’s the wall I wake up facing every morning.. It has all my goals written on it, so that each morning when I wake up, I am reminded of what I’m getting up for. :)

It starts now.

Finally, my eyes are open.
To who I am, to how I've been acting.
No more ignoring this urge I have,
the urge to do what I want to do,
the urge to be who I want to be.
It starts now.

Lifes finally getting back on track. The chaos is back and I can't help but welcome it. I had missed the way things used to be, I had missed being the real me. No more hiding. I'm back :)

Beginning of the end.

Well it’s official. Summer 2010 is finally over. I can’t say I’m happy to see it go, for it has been a life changing couple of months. I went to Kenya and did my part in making the world a better place, I fell in love, I found myself something new to be passionate about and I made some great memories with my friends. If I could have changed anything about it, it would have been that I could have spent more time in Kenya, with you.
It is no surprise, but I am very excited for the start of school. A place where I belong, where I can learn, grow, discover. I can't wait to see what my last 5 months of high school will hold for me, for I know that there are a lot of people expecting the most from me.

Not much else to say... Have lost my ability to come up with anything. Time to find my muse!

QOTB:   “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”

The calling.

I am under it's spell. Not only does it consume me, but it consumes the night, touching everything with it's mystical glow. I am betwitched, by the moon. As I sit on the edge of the water, I close my eyes. I feel the ocean breeze hitting my skin like ice, sending shivers down my entire body, causing me to wrap my arms around myself even tighter. I can even taste the ocean, for it's saltiness lingers in the air. People would never understand why I was here. They would never understand how suddenly my urge to be near the ocean would come to me, and how quickly I would have to induldge. For as long as I can remember, the sea has been a part of my life. The only thing I ever had in common with my grandfather.  Although I never met him, his true love was for the ocean. I remember hearing stories about him from my mother, about how he spent all the time he could out on his boat, amongst the waves. There is just something about the sea; what is is, what it holds. It goes on as far as the eye can see, full of mystery and adventure. As I think of him now, tears roll down my cheek. Being near the sea is the only way I felt close to the people I lost. It's funny, for that's what first attracted me to Chad. He and I shared an equal love for the sea. Days and days we would go out, fishing, swimming, exploring. Now that he is gone too, this is the only way. The only way that I feel okay. I know he wouldn't want me to be sad, to mope around.... So everytime I miss him, no matter what time it is... I walk down to the beach, sit on the waters edge and look out a far as I can... For when I am there, I can almost feel him beside me, smiling that lopsided grin of his at me.


The waves whisper to me, calling me to the soft sand.

The water sweeps over my feet, surrounds where I stand.



The breeze caresses my face, whips my hair.

The wind encloses my body, acknowledging I'm there.

Being the change.

"Thank you, thank you for listening to my story. I hope that you can help what happened to me from happening to other girls."

 "You will be my Canadian daughter, for a child is someone who changes the life of their mother."

"All the years that I have been hosting students from KULE, I have never met a student as determined to make a difference as yourself. Don't ever change."

"It's people like you, traveling all the way across the world to help others, that will really make the difference this world needs."

"I wish I could come to your country, I wish I could meet your friends."

"I thank god everyday that I have all of you as my angels."

     It was easy to fall in love with Kenya. The culture, the music, the land, and the people. No matter what situation they seemed to find themselves in, there were always happy. No matter where you were, a smile could be found. It was hard to be sad as you walked through the slums, for when you looked down at the face of the child holding your hand, and how they smiled up at you as if you were their very own superhero, it was impossible not to smile as well. When the teacher kissed my forehead, when the children laughed as we tossed them into the air, when everyone thanked us for the work we were doing, when we exchanged knowing glances between others in the group, it was impossible not to smile. Even though the reality was that it was not perfect. Not at all, far from it in fact.

   Children running around naked because their parents couldn’t afford to get them clothing, murky water filled with garbage and human waste floating down the streets of the slums, people living in huts only slightly bigger than jail cells, children living on small meals of ugali (a filler made with just flour and water) and perhaps some beans…. The list goes on and on. It was hard, for never in my life had I experienced such opposite emotions at the same time. The thing that made all the difference though, was their hope. I cry now as I think about it. No matter how bad it was, whether they were living in the slums, had lost their parents to AIDS or had their family taken away from them for a reason as pathetic as not being able to pay a dowry, they still had hope. Hope that it would be a better day tomorrow, hope that their future would be brighter. Seeing how these people lived in such poor conditions, experiencing things that you would pray no one else would ever have to go through and having barely anything to live on.... It broke your heart. But the way they believed, the way they had so much hope, it just consumed you. I used to think my life was hard with all the challenges I have had to face during my life, but after going to Kenya…

     I will never be able to properly explain what I experienced in Kenya and how greatly it changed me. To be able to understand what we, as a group, experienced whilst in Kenya, you would have to go yourself. Today while at work, I talked to a man that recently donated $15,000 to a village in Rwanda so that every family had a home, clothes on their backs, clean water and enough food. As I told him about my trip, he said something that basically sums up my time in Kenya. “No matter how many times people tell you that you have accomplished so much, you will never truly be able to feel like you did enough. Just remember though, that they are one step closer to a better future because of you. You changed their lives, just as they changed yours.”

    3 weeks is all it took; to step out of my comfort zone, to take risks, to see the world through different eyes,to meet someone that changed my life and will continue to do so, to fall in love, to make a difference. My life changed in the summer of 2010. The summer I went to Kenya.

The power of a smile.

Sitting in a coffee shop, my laptop in front of me, my mug empty, I am still stumped. It's been almost an hour. 3times I have tried, tried to write about what I saw, what I felt, what I learnt. Never in a million years did I think it would be so hard. There is so much I want to share, so much I want to tell. How though. How can I explain to others how I felt, how I changed. So emerged in my thoughts, I didn't even notice when he sat down. "I brought you another latte if that's okay." "Thank you so much." It wasn't until after he went back to work that I noticed the drinks foam, he had made a happy face. What a sweet gesture I thought. 30minutes later, as his shift was finishing, he came over and talked to me. "I am curious, what the heck have you been concentrating on for 2hours!" Smiling, I told him about my struggles to write my newspaper article. I told him about my trip, how it changed my life. Interestingly enough, he had also done a service project to Kenya. Last year, he went with his three best friends and they went to the exact same slums as I did and helped a family move out of the slums into a proper house and they helped 6 youth get a college education. What an amazing story. It was really cool having someone here at home who had shared something as important to me as Kibera Slums. After a while one of his co-workers came over and said, "If we knew you were going to stay two hours after your shift, we would have kept you working!" Two hours! Thanks to his help,I finished my newpaper article, talking about his experience and my own. It's amazing the kind of people you can meet when you take a chance. Thanks for making my day Liam.

The way I was.

Have you had one of those moments lately that just makes you stop in your tracks, sit down in the closest chair, and just think "Boy, I've changed." I'm having one of those moments right now. This morning, when I couldn't sleep, I decided to go on here. Reading all my past blogs, how I used to write in such a way that made me smile, whether I was writing about the weird things my mother did that day or stories and theories I came up with, the one thing that stayed the same was the passion in my writing. I remember I used to sit down at a computer, open a new post and just write to my hearts content. I wrote about whatever came to my head, and people liked that, I liked that. But now? What am I passionate about now? I know longer have the dream of going to United World Colleges, I no longer have a boyfriend to gush about, I've just got me and my problems. So when some people say to me, "your issues are a lot of fun", Im just like ".... SHANKS?" *smacks friends head against a table* I've never been one for having hobbies, I'm more of those kinda people that just spring up in bed one day and are like "IM GUNNA GO CLIMB A MOUNTAIN TODAY." Yep... That's me. I'm not sure, my life has been lacking the passion lately. I need something new in my life... Something that can consume me the way the dream of UWC did. I look at my friends and they all have something: Drawing, writing, cadets, boating, etc. What can be my passion?

QOTB: "They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel.”

~Carl W. Buechner

I'm all tangled up in your dreads.

Hey, so there's this curly haired brunette girl with blueish/grey eyes. And shes, like 5'6 and totally into making the world a better place. She loves making new friends. No, not with the popular girl in class, the but kid that sits up at the front, with his frizzy hair, 1960's thick glasses and  plaid pants tucked into his socks. Yup, she digs that.

She is going to Africa this summer, to help build a new library and to visit orphans in the slums. People ask her if she'll have Internet and TV in the slums.... This is the reason she has people issues at times.

She thinks if she'll fall in love anywhere it will be the somewhere on a nature trail. Maybe she will be proposed to on the West Coast Trail or something. She plans to marry a black Irishman, so far, she hasn't met him. For some reason, she's pretty down to earth, which makes it hard to talk about her opinions because no one seems to ever agree with her. She's strangely okay with that though, we can't all always agree, but we can agree to disagree.
She's gotta strange thing for dreads. Yep, the tangles and knots of hair is quite a turn on to her.
 
She used to have a plan. To go to a UWC and become this amazing humanitarian doctor or lawyer, but that didn't work. So now... She had no idea what she wants to do, but that's okay, because she'll figure it out soon enough.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boy and Girls.

20 reasons to smile today:

1. You woke up before your alarm
2. Your favorite song comes on while you get ready (Pop goes the world)
3. The birds are singing right outside your window
4. Finding money in your old jeans pocket
5. Recieving a text from that person you have been thinking about all day
6. Giving a hug to your mom
7. Remembering an old joke
8. Friends that make you laugh
9. Knowing that you made a persons day, just by being yourself
10. Letting your feet hang over the water
11. Sitting in the sun
12. Looking at old photos
13. Finding old letters
14. Doing an anonymous good deed for someone
15. Knowing that you made someone blush
16. Having an old friend contact you out of the blue
17.  Seeing a lil kid doing something insanely cute
18.  When you realize you were singing in public
19.  When your friends go outa their way to make you smile
20. When you make someone else smile

Dare to fly again.

To my fellow: Geeks, friends, assosiates, enemies, lunatics, cashew lovers and bloggers.

It's been a while! I didn't want to write unless I had something real to write about... I still don't, but I've got the urge to write.

  So. A lot has been going on. Last week I got back from a 4 day trip to Ottawa, for the Rotaries "Adventure in Citizenship" Pretty awesome program. 220 youth aged 16-19 from allll over Canada together in our capital city for 4days, finding out what it really means to be Canadian. Between meeting Justin Trudeau, visiting Parliament, the Supreme Court, participating in a Canadian Citizenship Ceremony and making new friends, it was an experience I will never, never forget.  Above all, the trip got me thinking. Here are all these amazing youth, achieving amazing things, with huge dreams and hopes, and most of them had never even HEARD of UWC. It makes me smile in a bittersweet way, but above all, it gives me hope. Hope that I too, will find a way to succeed without the help of a UWC. The chairman of the program, Nabil, said something very wise to me, "It is not a school, a job, or a title that makes you who you are, but the attitude you have. A brilliant man does not have to be King to be a great leader, he just has to have the support and the love of many. You don't need UWC to make you a leader, you already are one." I've had many people say words like this to me, teachers, lifecoaches, friends, family. But it took someone like Nabil, someone I saw as a role model, as a superior over the rest to make it truely sink in. I believe he is right. I do not need UWC to make me a great person, I need determination, drive, motivation and people who believe in me and love me. I already have all of that, so what am I waiting for? As Corinne once said to me when I told her I didn't get into UWC, " One day soon R, you will spread your wings again and fly amongst the clouds. People like you don't stay down for long."

Flame of Hope.

I see him sitting there, shivering cold

Not knowing what his future will hold.

All he can think of is his need to eat.

In his eyes, I see a flickering flame

Everyday he finds new ways to cope

Despite it all, he still has hope

Still, he lives with this overwhelming shame.

For all that I have, I feel that I could share

And I take his hands and hold them tight

I let him know it will all be alright

With one act of love, I can show I care

His once begging lips will beg no longer

For I will take him away and make him stronger.

Superman (it's not easy)

I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
I’m just out to find
The better part of me
I’m more than a bird...I’m more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It’s not easy to be me

I Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I’ll never see

It may sound absurd...but don’t be naive
Even Heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...but won’t you concede
Even Heroes have the right to dream
It’s not easy to be me

Up, up and away...away from me
It’s all right...You can all sleep sound tonight
I’m not crazy...or anything…

I can’t stand to fly
I’m not that naive
Men weren’t meant to ride
With clouds between their knees

I’m only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me

It’s not easy to be me.

The light inside me, will never be estinguished.

   Well, after two years of waiting... The results are in. Sadly, I didn't get accepted to United World Colleges. It's been over 24hours since I found out, but it still stings.  I know life is about putting yourself on the line, risking everything to achieve your dreams... But what happens when you don't make it? Does that mean that you're not good enough? Everyone around me; my friends, my family, are speechless. They look at me with pity, with confusion. They don't understand it either. They are waiting for me to cry, but I can't cry any longer. They wait for me to scream words of hate and anger, but I feel no anger. They all asume that my inner fire has been estinguished... But it hasn't. Deep inside me, my wick is still alight. It may not be a huge flame right now, but it's still on fire.

  I am not going to dwell on this bump on the road of my life. It is only an obsticle after all. Life will go on, I will continue to put my entire self into everything I do. I will live each day to the fullest, embracing life and the opportunities it gives me. If anything, not getting into UWC will only drive me to do better in life, to exceed others expectations and my own. With or without them, I will make a difference in the world.

  A special thank you to all of my friends and my family, that have been completely supportive while I handled all of this. You guys have been so supportive this whole time, believing in me when I couldn't. Without you guys, I wouldn't even be half of the person I am now. You have always believed in me and all of my dreams. Because of you, I will never give up on my dreams. I love you all so much.

QOTB: Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside of you that is greater than any obstacle.

Let's believe.

I believe,
That either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I believe,
That even when you think you have no more to give, when a loved one cries out to you- you will find the will to help.

I believe,
That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I believe,
That sometimes the person you expected to kick you when you fall down, will be the ones that will help you back up.

I believe,
That true friendship continues to grown, even over the longest distance.

I believe,
That there is someone out there for everyone.

I believe,
That we all have the ability to change someone's life with nothing more than a kind gesture.

I believe,
That we all have the ability to make our dreams come true.

I believe,
That two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I believe,
That the past is behind us, with love in front and all around us.

Precious.

   Watched "Precious" tonight... am completely without words. Left my mother shocked with my reaction to the movie, turning it off at the end, going to my room and slamming my door. "It's just a movie sweetheart." No, it's not. There are kids out there that are treated like that. Physically and emotionally abused by their families and other people they might know. Being sexually abused, having to live in poverty. It was a brutally raw movie, making me sick to my stomach whilst at the same time bringing tears to my eyes, feeling the strength her character had basically come out of the screen. Seeing her at the end, only 17, with nothing but her two children, gave me more hope than anything. It might not make sense and you might never fully understand, but a hero was born through her character.

  The admin of Pearson Heather G, has been posting a blog ever since the applications were sent in. No one in Canada has heard yet whether they have made it to the short lists (interview part) or not. Im guessing it will be in the next couple weeks. Am excited to be going to Ontario on the 1st of May- Been invited by the Rotary Club of Ottawa for their "Adventure into Citizenship" award. I am mostly excited about the Canadian Citizenship Ceremony we will get to go to, seeing people become citizens of my country will be amazing.

  Things have been a lil iffy lately, with some chapters in my life ending and more beginning.  As Mignon McLaughlin once said, "Life is a mixed blessing, which we vainly try to unmix." Everything happens for a reason right? Us coming to an end, me going away next year, it all happens because it is meant to. I'm not going to try and fight it anymore. :)

QOTB: Life’s not always fair. Sometimes you can get a splinter even sliding down a rainbow.              ~Cherralea Morgen

A Journey, not a destination.

    Lots went down this weekend. I am happy to say that our "Bottles for Kenya" bottle drive was a HUGE success, raising almost 2 thousand dollars (grand total of: $1,567). It was great to have students from my school, along with from Pearson College working together to make a difference. I had nothing to worry about!

  Lot's going through my mind in the last couple of days. For one, my principle asked me to go to Ontario on a Rotary youth program in May to represent this part of the Island. AM SO PUMPED. All expenses paid too... How great is that?! Lot's of other stuff has been going down. It's been 5weeks since applications for UWC went in and I'm nervous as heck. They still haven't contacted me with whether I have an interview or if I am not being considered as a future student. I hope it is really soon..

 Thanks to all of my friends that came out on Saturday to help with the bottle drive. I know some of you tried to make it, but had things to do, but I am very greatful to those of you that could make it. You were the reason it was a great success!


 QOTB:When considering change, remember — there is an emotional connection necessary for people to commit to new ways.
~ Stacy Aaron








Lay your hands- Simon Webbe.

The way we are.

     This morning as I was taking the school bus to school, I groggily gazed out my window. A boy about my age was sitting on a bench, his face solemn and grim, as he looked forward, his eyes blank. A couple blocks later, we passed a man singing and humming to a tune playing on his Ipod. Seeing this man so open with his mood made me smile. These were two very different people with very different moods. As I thought of how my own mood has been lately; cranky, annoyed and I couldn’t help but think of how my mood must be affecting those around me. Did you know that it is about 17% of your mood that is transferred to everyone that you interact with? This fact makes me feel guilty. 17% of my crabby mood has been transferred to all of my friends, my family and all the people I have interacted with in the last 3 days. We must always be cautious of how our moods affect others, for sometimes it might end up ruining their meal, their hour or even their day.

   A lot has been going on. Recently has been my first time organizing a major fundraiser, and it has beeen a mess and somewhat a success and it hasn't even happened yet! I unno. Will write more about it once it is over. I hope it works out well. *crosses fingers*

The Waiting Game.

This is it, probably the hardest part of applying for anything. The waiting. About 6 weeks of pure paranoia that I wont make it to the next stage. My palms start getting sweaty whenever UWC is brought up. I know I’ve made it to the third part of the process, now I’m jut waiting to figure out if I have made it to the interview process or not. Many, man students applied from all over the World this year; India, Guatemala, Canada, Afghanistan, Columbia, Peru, Bosnia, etc. Less than 2000 people will get accepted and have the opportunity to go to a UWC within their lifetime. 50 kids can go to Pearson College this year, but since I live so close I can’t. Less than 10 kids from Canada will have the chance to go to a. International UWC this year. My chance of getting is pretty slim this year, but still I keep faith. I know that if I am not accepted, it will be hard. It will hurt my pride, myself and my friends and family that have been supporting me through this whole experience. It will take sometime, maybe a month, maybe a year even to get over it, but I know that there will be other opportunities. I don’t have to go to UWC, if they don’t want me then I will have to learn to accept that fact, but instead of thinking less of myself, I will do that much better and make them wish I had been accepted. I would love to be a part of UWC and have that help me make a difference, but the truth is that I will be the difference I wish to see with or without United World Colleges.
QOTB: “Be true to yourself. If you cannot put your full heart into it, take yourself out of it.” –Rachel H

All I need to believe, is a friend like you.

  A while ago, I got this email from one of my bestfriends in response to my blog post. No one has ever made me feel so confident to the fact that I can make a difference. This guys is the most amazing person I've ever met.. He is full of enough love to hold the entire world in his arms. He see's people for who they are and never lies, never takes anything or anyone for granted. He really appreciates everything people do for him and always see's the best in every situation. He is the most amazing person I've ever met and im so glad to call him my friend. Love you Curtis James Quinlan Horner and thankyou for making such a difference in my life. :)


My dear friend,


It may be true that indeed you havent been there very much. It is true that i truely miss you alot. but those few moments where you are there, i savour them. I know the stressful path that is laid before you, and i understand the massive burden that you bare, and im not mad at you in the least. I look at you and i smile, i think to myself, that is one determined girl who is persuing her lifes dream with every inch of her being and then some. it is truely admirable; inspirational. how many people do you know that are doing the same thing? nobody i know makes the kind of sacrifices that you make. you might think im against you because you're never there. but you're wrong, im behind you in this; in everything. I believe that you need someone to be there for you when you need them, who will not abandon you to deal with things alone. i wont leave you, i cant, you dont need imaginary friends Rachel, because you have a real one right before your eyes.
UWC is a big deal for you; the biggest deal and i have unbelieveable confidence in you, im not putting expectations on you because im not wanting you to fulfil my dream, i want you to do it because its wat you want to do. I know ur probably gonna hate me for saying this but... ok worst case scenario, you dont get in. Yes people will be dissapointed but it will be because they knew its wat you wanted. they will not dissown you, they will be proud of you with every fibre in their body. they will love you, your family will love you, I will love you no matter what happens. You shouldnt think about dissapointing everyone. you should be sooo damn proud of yourself for having a dream and persuing it. you can walk with your head held high knowing that you gave gave everything your best and then decided that wasnt good enough so u made your best even better. even if you dont get in you will change this world one way or another. there will be changes flyin left right and center that world wont know what to do with them all ;). You've already changed one persons world already and your only 16. You dont need UWC to make a difference, the UWC needs you love :). Your going to accomplish unbelieveable things in your life Rachel. I believe in you :). Try your best, ill be there to support you. rise to the top, and ill be there to help you celebrate. If you fall, ill be there to catch you, and congratulate you on a job well done.
Im sorry, this may not mean much comming from me... but i mean every word

Love you lots oxox

Your Eternal Friend

The Dork, Curtis James Quinlan Horner
Quote:

"you are unique like a brown skittle. because there has never been a brown skittle. and there shall never be another."

Do it for us. But, what about for me?

   A smile creeps onto my face, the biggest one that's been there for a while. I can't really explain what caused it. Whether it was my latest fave song coming through my headphones, the fact that I faced a huge fear of mine today or the fact that things for us are back to normal... Or maybe it's all those reasons? Either way, im sure as hell glad for it. The way im feeling right now is the feeling you get when your high- as if nothing will touch you, nothing can bring your mood down and nothing will ever go wrong. I like this feeling. C:

  I've been doing a lot of thinking while i've been here and it's made me wonder.. Am I really capable of accomplishing all that I plan to do in the next year? Get into a UWC, raised $20k for my Service project to Kenya this summer, change someones life, etc. I really hope that I will be able to accomplish all of these things, so that I dont let my family, friends and myself down. For so long I've been doing what people have wanted me to do, whether it was applying to a certian school, working on a certian project or doing a certian favour for them... This holiday made me realize that I have forgotten what I truely want. What will truely make me happy. I guess it's why im having such a hard time coming to terms with things like UWC, me and you... It's because I know that you want it and I know that everyone wants me to go to UWC, but im not longer sure if it's what I want. When my mom talks about how she had known about UWC for years before I did and that it was one of the reasons we moved so close to Pearson it hurts me, because it makes me feel like it was her decision for my future instead of my own. I guess I just need a sign, a sign that UWC is a good decision for my future, something that I will truely want, rather then just what everyone wants for me.

*Sighs* It's true when they say the teenage years are the hardest.

QOTB: I have come to believe over and over again that what is most important to me must be spoken, even at the risk of having it bruised or misunderstood.

In the arms of the wind.

  As I sat on the beach tonight, looking at the stars and letting the sand run through my fingers, a smile crept along my face. As I looked out onto the ocean and saw a whale come up for air, my skin trembled. As I listened to the wind sweep through the palm trees, I couldn't help but sigh. I laid back and looked up to the sky. The stars littered the blackened canvas, creating their own patterns within the skies masterpiece. My heart was swollen with content, breathing in the smell of the ocean and exclosing it within my lungs for as long as I could, as if doing so would keep the memory within me forever. I was captured, captured within the illusion this night took me into. Nothing could hurt me , for the stars looked down on me and the wind held me within it's arms. I wish I could have shared it with all the people close to me, all the people that would have been able to understand the magic of that moment.  I wish I could have taken ahold of your hand and whispered in your ear "Come with me, into the arms of the wind."

QOTB: The fragrance always remains in the hand that gives the rose.

Painted on my face, by the brush of truth.

   Was moved today by a very special person. He was an old Hawaiin who preaches his beliefs. "Our bills say in god we trust, but when was the last time the people in the White House read the bible?" "Woman are the more patient ones, for they had to wait 9months for their babies." As people listened, rolled their eyes and moved on, I sat down and just listened. Listened to what he had to say for nearly a hour.. Listened as he talked about life, death, pain, passion, peace. I sat on the grass in front of him, agreeing with everything that emerged from his mouth. Just as I was about to leave, he said something that made me feel as if he was talking to me and only me. " You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. What you'll discover will be wonderful. What you'll discover is yourself." Once he had said that, he closed his eyes and held out his hands.. I don't know what caused me to do it, but I stood up and took his hands in mine. "Thank you" was all I said. As I left to head back to my hotel, I looked back only once.. To see a small smile on his face.

Dear you.

Dear you,

Your nice.
Your sweet.
But very akward.
It's fun.
I like you.

Sincerely,
Me.

We are free.

When I met you, didn't know what to do.
Baby, you just couldn't relate to me.
I said you could leave if you wanted out,
but baby, you stuck around. <3

   Great weekend. The sun was out the entire time. Went down to Matheson Lake and was besotted by the view that awaited me. The lake was beautiful, so still that you could see the surroundings reflecting off it's surface. Sat there for hours, with my journal and my camera... Capturing it all. It was all lovely until Nathan ruined it by jumping off the rope swing. Silly schmuck. He nearly got hypothermic.. Serves him right! Overall, it was a wonderful weekend :)

  Being at the lake got me thinking about how lucky I truely am. I have a family that loves and supports me no matter what happens. I have amazing friends, who understand what im going through, how hard I am going after my goals. They stick by me, no matter how busy it gets. I live in a beautiful country and in a community where I can be who I want to be. The fact that I can be myself without being judge is a blessing in it's self. The only thing missing from my wonderful life is my Nan. I wish I could see her everyday. I wish I could see her and hug her, instead of just talking through the phone. She means the world to her, she believes in my dreams as much as I do. As far as she is concerned, I can achieve anything in life. I know she reads this, so Nan Mary, you are the most amazing person ive ever met. I love you so much and thank you for holding on for me.

 Tonight before you go to bed, I dare you to think of all the great things you have in your life. Whether it be friends, family or just being able to get away without doing your homework, be greatful. We are the lucky ones.


QOTB: Never mind searching for who you are. Search for the person you aspire to be.

P.s attached is a picture I took this weekend :)

So it goes something like this...

Kay.
Since I like this keyboard and I am in the most serious stages of procrasination, I'm just gunna write about anything and everything that comes to mind. So warning to the ADD people out there, this entry is not for you.

   FIRSTLY: Cliques.
I hate the fact that you wont hang out with me because I'm a "Nerd." It's not like I can't speak your language, it's not like I have webbed fingers and a green face, I'm just smart. I don't judge you for being in love with sports. I don't judge you for how you look, how you act or who your friends are, so why do you judge me? I don't believe we should be categorized into groups like: sluts, jocks, punks, skaters, nerds, popular kids. Why can't we all just be ourselves? The sad fact is that I hear people calling me "Nerd" or "Geek" more than I hear people call me by my real name everyday at school. I don't refer to you as "That stupid kid with the tight clothing and the lopsidded hair", so please don't refer to me as a Nerd.

SECONDLY: Relationships.
They bug me. I don't understand them anymore. They are great when your in one, but as soon as the relationship demolishes, your all like "and the point of that was...?" Why can't we just date. So that when the person gets on our nerves or boring, we can't just screen their calls. No more messy breakups, no more broken hearts, just move on with your life and find the next skipper that appeals to you.

THIRDLY: THE FREEGEN OLYMPICS.
Well it's ovious I don't like them. I don't see the point to them. Well that's not true, I like the way they bring countries from all over the world together... BUT THEY DO IT SO THEY CAN COMPETE. But seriously, when I look at all the money they spent on the olympics to make it look all fancy, it breaks my heart. All the money they spent on this years olympics alone could have been enough to HELP EVERY SINGLE FRICKEN PERSON IN HAITI. Enough to make them all have a roof over their heads and food in their bellies. GRR.

Alive.

K, well this is it.
   Tonight at midnight, UWC's doors close to applicants. If you application isn't in, your screwed. A part of me wishes that some people will have missed the dealine, but another part of me hopes that everyone who wanted to gets their application in. Now, we wait. We wait until they contact us. Telling us whether we got an interview or if we weren't even considered for one. Then, we go to the interview, do our lil bit, take part in a workshop or two and then we wait some more. We wont really know until May if were in or not. The suspense is going to kill me but the weight is lifted now. I can now relax. Focus on rebuilding my friendships that fell through the cracks, working on my personal hobbies like photography and do a lot more volunteering.

   *sighs* Im really worried. One of my buds A... She's going through a lot at the moment. I want to help her, let her know that im here for her.... But I don't know how. I know the cuts still fresh for her and I know I should give her some space... But im worried about her..
If you read this girlie... Know that I love you. All your friends here love you... If you don't want to be there anymore, come back home to us and we'll take care of you.




  I can't wait to get outa here. I feel as if it's too late for me to build new friendships or create new ones here. I feel as if this part of my life is done. Specially now that your not even talking to me... I need to get outa here. I need to be around people who think like I do and act like I do. Im going to Kenya now just so I can get out of here. I feel as if im in a room that is getting smaller and smaller....

I CAN'T BREATHE.

QOTB: Heaven is not a place that you go  when you die, it's the moment in life when you actually feel alive.

Pumas, Penguins and Bigfoot.

Theres no denying it.
It's hard.
My feelings,
and my emotions,
are unclear.

It's just been one of those days. Everytime someone has asked me what the heck is wrong, I just want to jab them with my "I <3 starwars" pin. It's frustrating, its annoying, it doesn't make me feel any better! Stress is piling up at alarming rates. People think it's so cool that im gradding early and that I'm doing all these things in my time, but they do NOT understand how hard it is to balance all of it. It's all bubbling up, I can feel it fit to burst...

BUT.
I will not surrender. I was made for challenges like this. What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger. I will come out of this a better and stronger person. I will NEVER give up :)

QOTB: The future depends on what we do in the present.

Hello World.

Fresh start.
New chance.
Not to mess up,
but to do it right.
It'll all be over,
within in 5months.
Then, the real adventure starts.

WELL HELLO SEMESTER 2!
GOODBYE UWC APPLICATION.
HELLO HAITI FUNDRAISING.
GOODBYE SHYA.
HELLO PRESENTATION IN TWO WEEKS.
GOODBYE SANITY.
HELLO $12,000 I NEED TO RAISE FOR KENYA.


Oh, and hello to you too. :)

As you can tell, lifes been a lil all over the place for me. Not much to say other than that. I've got 5months left of highschool, before I pack my bags and HEAD ON OUTA HERE.


Goodbye Victoria.
Goodbye Canada.
Hello World.

QOTB: Courage is fear that has said it's prayers.

Anything is possible.

I have a quote. A quote that I live by.
  "We are all better than we know. If only we can be made to realize this than we may never be willing to settle for anthing less." -Kurt Hahn.

Kurt Hahn was the founder of Outward Bound, Round Square, and many other organizations along with United World Colleges. I like him ^^
It's people like Kurt Hahn that I consider inspiration. This man was told throughout his life that he was incapable of doing what he wanted to, but that just made him want to do it more. Im like that.  When people tell me there is no way I can accomplish something... Im going to try x10 harder.

The thing is guys, we are all capable of doing anything we set our mind and heart to. If challenges cross your path, don't see them as dead ends but as hurdles that you must jump over. If I can make all of my dreams come true, so can you :)


Remember: If it's going to be, it's up to me.

CHA CHING!

Well today was the best day ive had in like...a year! And for some of the weirdest reasons!
Firstly and most ovious, I saw my wonderful boyfriend and gotta hang out with him for a bit which made me all happy and lovey dovey. BUT ALSO, found out my grade average for last semester was A instead of A-! ANDDDDD, finished work experience 12 which I got 100% ANDDDDDDD got my reference letters for my UWC application figured out ANDDDD FINALLY figured/sorted our my project for University of Victoria.

YES YES YES YES. Life is good :)

Is love unknown.

*sighs* I don't even know where to start. So much is going on lately. I unno where I stand on everything. My head keeps spinning... It just wont stop, no matter what I do. I try to distract myself, try to get my mind off things. But as soon as I sit down, as soon as I close my eyes at the end of the day... It just comes on back. You keep asking me what's wrong. I try to tell you, but when I hear it come out of my mouth, it doesn't seem like something I should be upset about. The thing is, it is upsetting me. It's upsetting me a lot. When I tell people, they say that they understand and that everything will work out, but I doubt it. What if it doesnt? I'll be a hopeless mess. I won't know what to do next.
AYE AYE AYE.

QOTB: To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe.

In the springtime, when the blossoms unfold.

Im Done! First semester is over. YES YES YES. Gosh, best thing thats happened to me all year (Cept you Bradleyyy).

But! Not much to catch up on. 3weeks until UWC applications are due. Im UBER nervous. Have been all depressed about it the past two weeks, worried about what would happen if I didn't get in, so ive been putting off the application. Im not very good at rejection with this kinda stuff. Makes me just wanna scream "SCREW U BABOONS". I really hope I get in though..

Am toats pumped for our week off school. Gunna spend some time with Brad and give him some VERY deserved TLC. He's been absolutly amazing with the past couple weeks. Ive been all the over the place with the stress of exams, nervousness bout UWC and stuff at home. He's always been there though. God bless that goofy guy.

Watched "Hope for Haiti" tonight with my mam. It's gotten me thinking on how in some ways it's kinda sad how people of reacted. Soon, once Haiti is somewhat back on it's feet, it's ovious that the people of the World will go back to their self absorbed lives. TO think it took a level 7 earthquake to wake the world up and make them unite so that we could help a poverty striken country. The thing is though... What about all the other problems in the world? Things like orphaned children because of AIDS and woman being brutally raped and murdered in the Congo is still going on everday... Where is all the needed aid for those situations? The thing is, people are paying attention to Haiti because they see it as a quick fix.. 6-12 months and Haiti will be off the nations news. But what about those people being affected by AIDS, war and poverty all over the world. Where are we when they cry to us for help? It happens everyday... Where are we when those children are dying in 3rd world countries from something as common as diarrhea? We must Unite, all of us and help make our world a better place. To help those that have been suffering for a long time...

BUT ON A HAPPIER NOTE. Im really happy for two of my buds Allie and Corinne.
Both have found themselves amazing boyfriends in the past year and I couldnt be happier for them. They are both fantastic girls and deserve it 100%. Good for you girls :)


QOTB:  Home is not where you live, but where they understand you.

Kenya Bound.

HAS ANYONE SEEN 'OUT OF AFRICA'? It's such an amazing film. Starring Meryl Streep, it takes place from 1913- 1931 when a baroness from Denmark moves to Kenya with her husband that she only married for status, to have a new start and find the adventure that she had always been seeking. This movie reminds me of my life. Living in a place that has somewhat become dull to me and feeling the need for adventure pump through my veins like blood. Im counting down the days now.. Until I am out of here. Until the next chapter of my life starts. I will leave behind all the shit in my life, the regrets, the accidents... and it will all become new! I will be in Kenya in 6months, just like the baronness. Kenya is all I have to look forward to. Well that and UWC.  I can't wait for that feeling you get when your somewhere you don't know. The confusion, the nervousness, the lust to explore and the surges of adrenaline. This is no longer something I want, its something I need. I NEED to go to Kenya. I NEED to go to UWC. I NEED to get out of here.

Love in my pocket.

You gave me something special,
in the shape of a heart.
There was a story behind it,
a wonderful one at that.
I now keep it on me always.
So that whenever im feeling blue,
I just have to pull it out
and then I think of you.
I keep it in my pocket
and the thought of it makes me smile.
For now wherever I go,
I know i've got love in my pocket.

Unique like a brown skittle

Gah! Have to write this down, cuz it just made my 2010 (even though 2010 is only two days old) CURTIS BABY. You are the best. When everyone's been going in and out of my life, you've stuck around. Whenever I've needed to vent, a shoulder to cry on, a hug to cheer me up or some inspirational words to keep me going towards my goal of UWC, you've been one of those people I could always count on! Me and you have been through a lot bud, we dated and yet we were still able to remain friends. Seeing how much you believe in me makes me believe in myself and reach for my goal even more. You are a fantastic friend and I hope we will be in eachothers lives until you are old and wrinkly (I won't be of course, due to botox), in our rocking chairs playing Wii! Your one in a kabillion babe and im one of the luckiest chicks in the world to be able to call you my friend :)
P.s. thanks for the quote bud :P

QOTB (quote of this blog): you are unique like a brown skittle. because there has never been a brown skittle. and there shall never be another.

A new start.

It's a new year. A fresh start, a clean slate. All the negaitive memories and actions from the past year can be left behind and forgotton, while all the positive ones an be brought forward into our new beginning. Look back over your last year. What are the things that you will be leaving behind in the past? What are the things that you will be bringing with you into the future? What will you do differently this year? What will you continue to do the same? There are so many questions we can ask ourselves.

When it comes to me, I know the answers to all of these questions. There are so many things i plan to leave in my past. Fueds with former friends, mistakes, selfishness, my tendancy to give up when it gets rough, my unwillingness to be social outside of school hours and a lot more. From now on, I will always be completely honest, no matter what the sitaution. From now on I will do my best to make time for my friends and from now on I will never give up, no matter how tough things get.

 This year is going to be one of the most important years of my life and I refuse to let it start out negitavely.

Quote of the day: Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get things right.