The first..

First's. A term so god damn simple that basically applies to everything in our lives. First steps, first word, first relationship, first love, first car, first kid... The list goes on and on. Out of all your first's... Which one stands out in your memory the most? Was it the first time you ever got kissed? Or the first time your traveled.. The first time you drove a car or the first time someone other than family told you they loved you? I know mine :)

I had a feeling that I could be someone.

     Tracy Chapman's voice fills my ears. The lyrics to 'Fast Car' consume me, making me close my eyes, taking ahold of my heart and just erasing everything else. A smile crosses my face, lingering there for a moment as I take a deep breath in and sigh. *You've got a fast car, and ive gotta plan to get us outa here* A song about a new start, getting out there and being all that your capable of. Her songs inspire me, talking about the crossroads of life, new starts, new adventures, equality, everything that is important to me and that will be part of my near future. It makes me think of who I am truely, and who I have the opportunity to be, if I get into UWC.  How badly my heart yearns for being accepted. How badly I want to get in with all my being. But now, I feel as if there is something holding me back.. Friends, co-workers, people at the homeless shelter I have grown to love, a certian person in particular who I barely know, but already love.. Will I be able to go off to the college, knowing that I wont get to see these people for almost two years? Or will I feel a resistance when I try to leave... Hear my feelings calling for them... Only time will tell.

 

It feels like peace.

This morning was so amazing. I just want to share it. The way i was feeling was so unreal.

This morning, I woke up to the flashing of my phone at 4am. 17unread messages. For some reason I couldn't face them so I turned off my phone. Outa bed and called Fernando. I just couldn't sit still, needed to get out. 2 hours later we were out in Ladysmith and our kayaks were off the car and ready for the water. It was chilly, I could feel the breeze of the ocean nipping against my bare skin. It felt so natural as my kayak slipped into the water. My hands gripping the paddle, taking that first stroke . After the first one, it was like an addiction. I just couldn't stop, couldn't slow down. Fernando just couldn't keep up, so I pulled ahead. I just felt so driven, by everything that has been going on lately. Stress from school, Richard dying, my grandmother health getting worse... It was just sureal.
Finally, I just stopped. I was done, I couldn't believe how amazing I felt. It was just as if everything that seemed to be dragging me down lately had just been lifted. I had paddled it away. It was fantastic.Looking around me, land seemed so far away. I had no idea where I was! Looking at my watch, I was shocked to see that it was 9am! I had been kayaking for three hours. Tears started rolling down my face. I took our my cellphone and called Fernando. He didn't ask questions, just told me to go up to a boat, find my location and he would come pick me up in his boat. by 10:30 I was back at the Marina. Fernando wasn't mad for me ditching him, and the ride back to my place he just listened as I described to him what had happened. He's such a good friend that one, he just understands. He never judges, he never complains, it's great. He's moving tomorrow so we are going out to dinner tonight. Im going to miss him, but I know that his job opportunity in Spain is a great one and it will be an amazing experience for him.

*SIGHS*

Bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow..

It's official. I've been hit by love. The endless thoughts of him.. The butterflies when they say your name and they wrap their arms around you.. How you don't want to go to sleep at night because reality is finally better thn dreamland.. Reading their messages to you over and over and over... Talking about him so much that your friends tell you to shutup!... yep... Im suffering from it.. AND I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! This isn't like me.. It's so weird... He's such an amazing guy though.. Brad that is... He just.. Gets me...!Gah. Can't talk about him for too long cuz then I get all lovely dovey and listen to our song.. Im such a loser...

SO UHM! this weekend! A kid from Hungary, South Africa and Hong Kong are coming to my house for four days! UBER UBER EXCITED.
*sighs* its been a good weeek. Have three tests tomorrow thanks to skipping classes with boyfriend... Thanks Brad!

This place is mine. But it could be yours too.

This is a rewrite. Wrote it on paper when I was at the lake and thought I would publish it here.

Finally. I am at peace. There is a place, known to very few above the lake by my house.. When up there you can see the whole lake. It is beautiful. This is my place to think, to be alone and to just be at ease. Here, all my problems seem to lift up from within me and slide down the hill and into the depths of the lake. The view is stunning. To my right is a tree.. My tree, scrawled with my thoughts, my favorite quotes and my dreams. I've never shown anyone this tree... It will remain mine and only mine. I love being here, I wish I could share it with him.. He's the only one I think would truely appreciate it. He just gets me... Which is weird since I just met him. He is like an illusion.. Is he for real? Or will he evaporate into the air when I touch him.. It always seems that when something or someone really great comes along.. It turns out to be too good to be true.

The water is calling to me.. My kayak is waiting.. For its chance to slice into that still water, to carry me through the waves and protect me... To be my escape from the actual world.. Adios

Jesus in a racecar!

All I can say is WOW! Last night was awesome. More thn awesome.. It was amazing! Spent more than 6hours talking to this guy from my language class at school... Im smiling just thinking about it! I haven't connected with someone like that since my best friend Kainan over two years ago.. We talked about everything.. It was surreal. Just as I was starting to lose all faith that there might be any good guys left in the world... He came along and opened my eyes!

Today was an okay day. Was sent home from work (I teach swimming lessons to lil kids) because I have strep and my brother might possbily have swine.. (he's in the hospital though so its not like i could catch it) So I ended up volunteering as the photographer for my dads firefighter event. It was a lot of fun dispite all the rain!!! Kept thinking about a certian person.. Eek!

Today is the day we are thankful.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I hope your thanksgiving was a rewarding as mine.
Today I was at the local homeless shelter from 7-3. It is always a very rewarding experience for me when I go there to volunteer. Sure, it can get mucky: being elbow deep in mayo and sandwiches, but it is all made worth it when those people smile at me and tell me thanks.

I realized today that I really do have so much to be greatful for. My amazing family, who is always there for me to support me and lend a hand no matter what the situation... my fabulous friends; who are quarky, loving and let me be myself around them... My teachers and other staff at school, always greeting me with smiling faces and telling me "You can do anything you set your mind to, were so proud of you!" I want to thank them all.. Linda, Corrine, Heidi, Curtis, Matt, Patrick, Trevor, Ms. Fenn, Ms. R, EVERYONE! You guys have all been amazing and I know you will all be there supporting me when I apply for World Colleges in the Spring. Love you guys!

A special thanks as well to my friends that have passed away this year that I know are watching over me up in heaven:
*Andrew Paone
*Richard Poole
*Catherine Leando anddd
*Chris Hallium.
Love you guys so muchh :)

Gimmie your best walk ;)

TODAY, I was a model. Not just any model, but a German/Brazilian/ Canadian modell! As an ambassador for my school, I was introduced to my group today. A boy from Brazil and two girls from Germany. They were really nice kids! Was funny cuz our teacher decided that our "nice to meet you" game would consist of one person from each group getting dressed up in somesort of outfit made from newspaper! Course, I was made to be the model. Covered in bows, flowers, a tiara (a very nice one I might add) and "paper boobs" (apparently my C's are too small?). It was so much fun cuz once every group was done we did a version of a catwalk. Silly silly students :)
But yaaa, got along really well wif the brazilian and will be going out to lunch wif him after school tomorrow.. It shall be fun!

Had my very first Social Justice 12 class today. We watched a documentary called "On our watch". It was a very good film, all about the genocides in Rwanda, Bosnia and Sudan. It was very eye opening, giving the viewers a look into the raw truth of what really happened over there. After watching the hour long documentary, we had a class discussion about our thoughts on the genocides and the UN's involvment in ending them. It was a good discussion, except for this prick who just happens to be the guy i spent all summer working with, starting yelling to try and get his point across, getting MAD because not everyone shared his views on the UN. It was very childish, I mean not EVERYONE is always gunna agree with you in life!!! Its all about having your own opinion and respecting others opinions.

Am exited for the weekend. My bestfriend (all the way from YEMEN) will be here for thanksgiving anddddddd... working a 8hour shift at the homeless shelter downtown on Monday with my downtown friends. :)

OHHHH. Biggest thing.. I misss my best bud PATRICK. I love him to pieces, but he's all the way in the states for school... :( I wont get to see him until my birthday which is like in 3months.... GRRR.

So long, farewell (we'll miss you)

Today was not a good day. It started off alright, saw all my friends, got a 100% on my oral presentation in spanish (that I was up all night doing!) and then as I was in 2nd block and the announcements came on over the intercom, my day completely fell apart. Richard, this special needs boy from my school that I have send hours upon hours working with since March of last year.. Died over the weekend. I couldn't believe it. It was just Friday that I was spending time with him.. Talking to him, playing with him, watching him smile.. And now hes gone. I completely lost it.. Started crying in class to the point that I was in hysterics and that my teacher had to remove me from the class. Ended up just leaving school, I couldn't be around there. Walked the 20km home and it took a couple hours but I feel it was just what I needed. I was on the goose soI had the freedom to cry... to let myself express everything I was feeling.. I think it was exactly what I needed.

Richard Poole, I know your up in heaven with god now and I want to say that im going to miss you so much hunny, you really were one of gods wonderful gifts.