Only me. Only you.

 Taking a hold of my hand, it keeps me moving. Whispering words of encouragement in my ear, it keeps me motivated. Praising me when I do well, it keeps me smiling. When I'm not sure which path to take, it gives me a nudge in the right direction. When I cry, it hugs me and tells me that it will get better soon. No matter what happens, it will always be there for me. What is it? It is myself.

 Only I have the the ability to keep myself from quitting. Only I have the ability to keep myself motivated, to choose the way for me and to keep myself thinking positive. Sure, people can help, but in the end it's all up to me.

 The same goes for you. For all of you. Never underestimate the power that you have. It isn't their life, it isn't their choice or their mood, it's yours and only yours. Never underestimate what you are capable of.

QOTB: If it's going to be, it's up to me.

Ya lil prick.

Mistakes, flaws and all, I am who I am. The same goes for you. I respect you though, so where is the respect back? I never said I was perfect, I never said I was right and I never said that you were wrong. I admit sometimes I screw up, sometimes I say the wrong thing and sometimes I act stupidly. We all do. If you were proud of every single thing you have ever done, you're not human. We are all different. I have my way of handling things, you have yours. Same goes for everyone else. So, what's the difference? I may not like you, I may not agree with your choices or your actions BUT I still respect you. I will always respect you, for even though I may not like you, I may not agree with you, I will always show you respect. So, let me ask you. Why can't you show me respect. Why do you have to have it written all over you the hate that you have for me? Do you really dislike who I am that much? If that is the case, then I am sorry for you. I am sorry that you feel you have to act and feel like that. Word to the wise? Get over yourself.

Permanent Mask.

  With all the Halloween stuff going on, all the kids running around with their avatar, gladiator, and even the saw puppet masks on, it's gotten me thinking. Do our masks ever really come off? You know the masks that I mean... The ones that we put on when we are too scared to show people who we are, when we want to fit in or we are just ashamed... Ashamed of who we are. This is a question I ask myself over and over again, never being able to fine a steady answer. I think about the people I know; my friends, myself, and I wonder, who is wearing a mask, and who is not? I'm not saying that everyone out there has become accustom to wearing a mask, definitely not, for some of the most amazing people I know are those people who refuse to ever cover up their true selves, but rather let people see them for who they really are.

 I think about people I used to know, people who used to be nothing but themselves. But you and I both know how it works, you meet a new group of people, and in order for them to like you, you change who you are, covering up your true identity. Soon enough, you begin to forget the person who you used to be, focusing only on the person others want you to be.

Think about yourself. Do you ever wear a mask? Do you ever pretend to be something or someone different from who you really are so that you don't get hurt, ridiculed or left alone?Do you ever feel scared of letting people know who you are? Stop hiding who you really are. If you're scared about certain people judging you for your true self, then they are not worth being in your life. Take it off before it's too late... Before you forget who you really are.

Happy Halloween!

Lying amongst the daisies.

I have no idea where this is going to go, so bear with me folks. For those who know me personally, when I get stressed, I tend to get very, VERY random. It’s a disease I swear. But, the cure seems to be rambling to my heart’s content, so like I said, please bear with me.


I had an intervention this week. No, it wasn't like the TV show, where the family gets all emotional and it all ends with the family hugging them, for they are so proud that they are now a changed person. No, it was nothing like that, more of me backing myself into a corner and shouting, “HEY YOU! Sort yourself out!” It was desperately needed I’ll admit but that didn’t make it any easier. Things had been different lately. For the first time in a long time, I felt lost. It’s been tough being back at my old high school ever since this, “Well we don’t want you at UWC!” freak show… Honestly, I think my teachers are disappointed. I used to have such good relationships with my teachers, but now they are always telling me how sorry they are that I didn’t get in and it just makes me uncomfortable. It had gotten to the point that I was so uncomfortable with all the comments people made. It was driving me into a hole and I couldn’t stand it. Luckily, I found refuge in a place I would never have considered looking for it. I didn’t know what to expect when my teacher held me back after class… I was most certainly not expecting to learn a life lesson. As he called me out on my odd behavior for the past couple weeks, I told him everything. The pressures I felt to do well, the embarrassment of being back after having failed, the crisis in my home life. Funny how my teacher was the only person I could really talk to about this stuff. It felt good though, being able to finally let it all go. The great thing about my teacher is that he can say so little but it can mean the world. It really opened my eyes to what I’ve been doing wrong, and how blind I’ve been.

Here is a picture of one of the walls in my room. It’s the wall I wake up facing every morning.. It has all my goals written on it, so that each morning when I wake up, I am reminded of what I’m getting up for. :)

It starts now.

Finally, my eyes are open.
To who I am, to how I've been acting.
No more ignoring this urge I have,
the urge to do what I want to do,
the urge to be who I want to be.
It starts now.

Lifes finally getting back on track. The chaos is back and I can't help but welcome it. I had missed the way things used to be, I had missed being the real me. No more hiding. I'm back :)

Beginning of the end.

Well it’s official. Summer 2010 is finally over. I can’t say I’m happy to see it go, for it has been a life changing couple of months. I went to Kenya and did my part in making the world a better place, I fell in love, I found myself something new to be passionate about and I made some great memories with my friends. If I could have changed anything about it, it would have been that I could have spent more time in Kenya, with you.
It is no surprise, but I am very excited for the start of school. A place where I belong, where I can learn, grow, discover. I can't wait to see what my last 5 months of high school will hold for me, for I know that there are a lot of people expecting the most from me.

Not much else to say... Have lost my ability to come up with anything. Time to find my muse!

QOTB:   “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”

The calling.

I am under it's spell. Not only does it consume me, but it consumes the night, touching everything with it's mystical glow. I am betwitched, by the moon. As I sit on the edge of the water, I close my eyes. I feel the ocean breeze hitting my skin like ice, sending shivers down my entire body, causing me to wrap my arms around myself even tighter. I can even taste the ocean, for it's saltiness lingers in the air. People would never understand why I was here. They would never understand how suddenly my urge to be near the ocean would come to me, and how quickly I would have to induldge. For as long as I can remember, the sea has been a part of my life. The only thing I ever had in common with my grandfather.  Although I never met him, his true love was for the ocean. I remember hearing stories about him from my mother, about how he spent all the time he could out on his boat, amongst the waves. There is just something about the sea; what is is, what it holds. It goes on as far as the eye can see, full of mystery and adventure. As I think of him now, tears roll down my cheek. Being near the sea is the only way I felt close to the people I lost. It's funny, for that's what first attracted me to Chad. He and I shared an equal love for the sea. Days and days we would go out, fishing, swimming, exploring. Now that he is gone too, this is the only way. The only way that I feel okay. I know he wouldn't want me to be sad, to mope around.... So everytime I miss him, no matter what time it is... I walk down to the beach, sit on the waters edge and look out a far as I can... For when I am there, I can almost feel him beside me, smiling that lopsided grin of his at me.


The waves whisper to me, calling me to the soft sand.

The water sweeps over my feet, surrounds where I stand.



The breeze caresses my face, whips my hair.

The wind encloses my body, acknowledging I'm there.